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Everywhere you look, it seems that someone is offering you advice on how to make your marriage happier,

your friendships closer, and your love connections stronger.

Television and radio talk shows are loaded with advice. Even your sister-in-law has advice.

Today I want to give you what may be the single most valuable piece of advice you will ever receive about how to build and sustain good, close, lasting relationships.

Here it is: Learn to stop blaming and finding fault with others.

It doesn't matter how much you may believe you are in the right.

The fact is, blaming and fault-finding create resentment, hostility, and withdrawal.

When you stop blaming and finding fault, you create warmth and openness,

and the focus shifts from what is wrong to what it will look like when it is fixed.

Practice making clear statements of your needs and the changes you'd like.

Show why the thing you want is mutually desirable.

Paint a vivid picture of the benefits of change and keep that picture alive in words and thoughts. Reward positive efforts toward change with lots of praise and approval.

Remember, people move in the direction of praise, while criticism usually doesn't produce much movement at all, except away from the critic.

Give up blaming others, take accountability for your own feelings, and see how your relationships will improve.

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute